I am sure we have all taken a trip to “Celebrity Net Worth” to discover whether or not a particular celeb is so rich they use American Express Black Cards as cutting boards, or if they are so poor as to confirm that the Lord giveth, but does surely taketh away. More often than not, celebs are certainly doing good enough to afford their own therapy sessions, so they don’t need me. And (disclaimer) of course I am not a real therapist or licensed to give any advice. But I have lived, loved, and have managed to counsel all my non-celebrity friends (not that I have any celebrity friends, just friends who should be celebrities) on relationships, work issues, and other drama and everyone seems to be doing ok. So I’m willing to give celebs a free session of therapy from time to time in what Glamourtunist.com will call Unsolicited: Celebrity Therapy. Our first recipients of unsolicited advice are pop music lovebirds, Katy Perry and John Mayer.
Dear Katy Perry and John Mayer,
Who better to be our inaugural recipients of advice you won’t take than the two of you. As I write this letter your love life is the Hollywood romance equivalent of that Bill Murray movie “Ground Hog’s Day,” where the two of you just keep reliving the same thing together over and over again for days on end with some variation therein, but always the same outcome at the end of the day. In your case, you keep getting together and breaking up. Making up and breaking up isn’t really an uncommon thing in itself, except that you are two of the most famous people in the world and everyone is watching you do it and you also keep doing it. You are well on your way to surpassing Liz Taylor and Richard Burton for winners of the Hollywood Couple ‘Break-Up-to-Make-Up-to Break Up’ Award.
According to all the celebrity news you two are on your 6th time getting back together, with the most recent break-up reportedly within the last month. John, this time you supposedly told friends that you were done with Katy for good and that you just are not emotionally attracted to her. That’s not nice, John. Can we agree that you two just cannot get it together? If so, I am here to help you make a decision about living happily together or happily apart, because I do actually want you to be happy. Seriously. But this is also a selfish endeavor on my part because, while many people may be enjoying the particular train wreck of your relationship as covered by all the gossip magazines, I really am over it and would like to devote the few pages on which you are covered to other relationships that are at least giving me more bang for my tabloid magazine buck than this same old song you two are singing. Teresa and Joe Giudice, Kimye, or even J.Lo and Casper. Dear God, anything but you two again!
No, I am not you and so I can’t judge your relationship, but allow me to put myself in your shoes if it will help you to hear me out. If I were a pop star and broke up with boyfriend/girlfriend 5 times, we probably are not right for each other, and I wouldn’t need Wendy Williams, Us Weekly or the National Enquirer to tell me, right? I mean, it’s hard coming up with one excuse to break it off with someone the first time, but to come up with four additional break up excuses to give to the same person is a fete even for lovelorn songwriters. It’s no wonder John could only muster the very crude statement that he doesn’t dig Katy’s emotions. I understand that part of what seems to be motivating the latest break-up is Katy’s busy schedule being an international pop star on world tour and all, but I ain’t buying it. It’s not like you got together before you were each rich and famous, and then on your second time getting back together discovered “omg, you’re a pop star and you’re busy?” You knew this already! And we can’t blame the end of the relationship on any of the other cadre of excuses from the celebrity “my life is crap right now” playbook either, right? No “I’m exhausted” or any of that crap. So my advice is that you amicably and definitively end this thing for good.
If it will make you feel better to get a hit song out of the torture of this relationship (a’la John’s ex-girlfriend, and Katy’s nemesis, Ms. Taylor Swift) then I say go for it; both of you sit your ass’s down and write the damn song already. We’ll all buy the single because we’re nosey and need something to dedicate to our exes, it’ll be a hit, and then you can both move on pass this torturous cycle you are on together. But I would really like you both to stop hurting each other, and stop hurting those of us who fell in love with the idea of you being some super couple only to see you implode five different times, with number six surely on its way. But if this thing is just for play, than let it be for play, tell the paparazzi to leave you alone because it’s not a real thing and all they are doing is documenting that you are just hooking up which is just really rude, and then quietly break up as much as you please.
Katy I think you really are looking for love, so the Danielle Steele fan in me is more on your side. You kissed a John Mayer and you liked it. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep kissing him, dear heart. Especially when you admit that John no longer makes you feel like a teenage dream, but makes you feel more like a pending middle-aged divorcee. It’s ok to let go, girl. And John, I am beginning to wonder if you are only in this thing because it is the only reason we are talking about you anymore. But dude, don’t believe the “all publicity is good publicity” myth. You are coming across as a mean, heartbreaker jerk, and you worked so hard to fool us into thinking that wasn’t who you really are, only to now throw it away by potentially breaking Katy’s heart (at worst) and just looking like a flake (at best). You’re both better than this relationship; well, Katy, you’re better than this relationship and John’s body is just a wonderland.
I hope you’ll take my advice and do so real soon because we New Yorkers aren’t known for our patience. But if you don’t take my advice, I wish you both the very best together, but hopefully apart.
Your Unsolicited (and not a real) therapist,